A Battle Worth Winning

I'm Plastering This All Over My House!

2011-05-20T15:45:00.000-06:00

I LOVE this quote! I need to print this out and plaster it all over. I want to see this in every room. I want to never forget! If I start today I will thank myself in a year. I'll thank myself if I only lose 30-40 pounds! I'll thank myself because I will feel better, I'll fit into smaller clothes! It won't take as much effort to tie my shoes. I won't huff and puff my way up a flight of stairs. My battle with overeating and binging will be a little bit easier to over come.

So, what do you want to start today that you'll be thanking yourself for in a year? Do you want to learn a new hobby? Do you want to exercise more? Do you want to control your eating? Do you want to get control of your finances?

You can start anything! Imagine how good it will feel in a year? Think about how fast this last year has flown by. The time will go just as fast. So, what do you say? What should we start today?

New Theme Song?

2011-05-16T10:37:00.000-06:00

My baby sister was down in Utah a couple of weeks ago and she asked if I had really listened to the words of Katy Perry's song, Firework. I had heard the song but never really listened to the words.

She played me the song and I was amazed! I like Katy Perry but never thought that she'd produce a song that ~~could~~ should be everyone's anthem.

Here is the video with the words...

If you don't want to watch the video here are the words...

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

What do you think? Awesome huh? Let's all be fireworks!

My Coping Bucket Project

2011-05-11T11:37:00.000-06:00

I have decided to provide a "coping bucket" to whoever needs and wants one...FREE OF CHARGE!

I want to spread the message of love and healing as far as possible. But I need your help! Will you post my button on your blog? Let's get the message that healing is possible out to everyone.

Email me your name and address to abattleworthwinning@gmail.com and I'll ship one out to you within 2 weeks!

Please pass this along. Let's help everyone we can!

I'm Kickin Depression's Bootay!

2011-05-11T11:02:00.000-06:00

I think I need to buy this shirt for me! I love it.

Here's what depression has done to me...I got a huge reminder today when I finally took my baby to pre-school again.

You see, I liked to spend the day in bed. I could barely function. My house proves it; so does my son's school attendance. He didn't want to go so my sick mind said, "great! I can stay in bed longer."

NO MORE!! I'm kicking depression where it counts! And I hope it hurts like heck! I'm picking myself up. I'm picking my house up. I'm picking Carter up from school today!

I told the teacher that I had officially decided to hold him back a year from staring Kindergarten. She asked if I wanted him to come back to her next year. I told her that I'd love that. Then the dose of reality that I knew was coming came...she said that I would have to bring him every day. He needed it. Even though I knew it was coming it still stung like crazy. I felt like the world's worst Mom.

I called my husband and we had a good laugh; that cheered me up. Then I totally thought, she's right. I need to take responsibility for MY actions. So depression, how does it feel? Are you sad that I'm not letting you win today? Are you hurting because I'm stomping all over your poor, pathetic self? Good! I sure hope so because it's making me feel amazing!

I feel so empowered! I feel like I can conquer anything right now.

Sorry depression but you are a piece of crap and I ~~want to~~ WILL beat you up!

Notes

2011-05-10T13:55:00.000-06:00

I jotted down some notes as my friend was speaking on Sunday. She also showed a couple of video clips that are amazing!

Here's what I want to remember. Everything in italics are my thoughts.

Satan entraps us with eating disorders. He also traps us with other things too; like hatred, fear, poor self esteem, etc.

I am the heroine of my story!

Develop deep beauty.

I am the author of my destiny.

All things broken can be mended and fixed. It doesn't matter how old we are, how far off the path we've strayed, etc.

The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones are the way we use them. LOVE that!

Smile and laugh every day.

Pray.

Find passions. I've always loved to try new things. There are few things that I'm really passionate about. I think that's OK too because I always have lots to fall back on!

Reverent care for our bodies...respect it.

Learn from yesterday...live for today.

And my favorite...With the Master's touch my masterpiece is created.

Aren't those great reminders? I was sitting at the school today waiting for an appointment and I sat across from my reflection. At first I was disgusted and then I changed my thoughts. I know that Christ is helping me create a wonderful masterpiece. No painter creates a true masterpiece in an afternoon. It takes years sometimes to get it just right. So I just sat there thinking that little by little the weight will come off as I'm creating this masterpiece.

Here are the videos she showed. They are so uplifting!

Coping Bucket

2011-05-09T15:04:00.000-06:00

I had the privilege to hear a friend talk about her struggle with an eating disorder. She's in recovery and is doing so well. I loved looking at the art therapy she made. I love art and so I though that I could incorporate art on my own. So today I created a "coping bucket."

I bought this bucket a while ago for $1. I had some old scrapbooking paper laying around and thought that I could come up with something "artsy." This is what I came up with. I just tore the paper and crumpled it up. Then I Modge Podged it onto the bucket. I found some cute stickers that coordinated with the paper and stuck those on. Then I wrote some words that remind me of my journey: recovery, freedom, laugh, fun, gentle, let go, faith, endure, strength, relief, God, choices, eating plan

I made slips of paper that have different things to do on them so that when I want to binge or overeat I can pull a slip out complete that activity. It's a way of getting my mind off of stress and the "need" to eat.

Here's some ideas: journal, listen to music, play an instrument, draw or paint a picture, go for a drive, take a walk, meditate, read, organize a room or closet, pack some clothes up for charity, take a nap, go to the park, blog, serve someone, work on my affirmation book, work on my hope book.

I know that continuing this art therapy will be good for me. I can't wait to share what other things I'll make!

Coming out of Hiding and Denial

2011-05-09T14:34:00.000-06:00

Hi my name is Tami and I'm a compulsive over eater and I binge. I am coming out in a way. This is NOT easy for me. I am embarrassed and ashamed. But I am finally taking the right steps to over come this eating disorder that I have.

First I have to say that I've always been a little judgmental about over weight people. I never understood how that could happen to a person. I didn't battle my weight growing up. I was healthy and very active. After I had my first child I became severely depressed. I had gained so much weight with the pregnancy. Life at home wasn't so great and so I ate to cope with my emotions for the first time in my life. I ate and ate and ate to feel better. But that made me feel worse so I'd eat some more to forget that pain. It's a vicious cycle. I had no idea that what I was doing was an eating disorder. I thought that eating disorders included bulimia and anorexia only. I was wrong!

A few years ago I went to Weight Watchers and lost a bunch of weight (50 pounds). I felt great! I was happy! I was coping well with what life threw at me. But life has a funny way of sneaking up on you again. I found myself turning to alcohol instead of food. What a disaster! I was becoming an alcoholic. I went to a 12-step program and sobered up. I've been sober for over 2 years now!

About that time our youngest son was diagnosed with Hirschsprung's Disease. Our oldest boy had been diagnosed also. It was more than I could take and since I couldn't drink anymore I turned to food again. I binged and compulsively overate like never before. I ended up gaining all the weight back plus some.

It's been two years since his diagnosis and I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I went to a funeral and saw some old friends who didn't even recognize me. What a slap in the face that was.

Here's the truth...I am fat. I am the girl in high school that wished her enemies would grow up and get fat. I guess I am the enemy. I know I'm not the only person in our graduating class to gain weight. But I know now that I have a really big problem on my hands (hips, thighs, stomach too)!

But I'm finally ready to recover. I'm ready to change my behaviors and beat this battle. So this isn't just about my weight loss journey. I am not focusing on that right now. It's about my recovery journey.

I wish that I could just cut food out of my life like I didn't alcohol but I can't. That's why this eating disorder is so hard.

I know that there are people out there that won't agree that compulsive overeating and binging aren't eating disorders but they are WRONG! So follow me as I fight this battle; because this time I'm winning!

Happily Ever After

2010-10-24T10:26:00.000-06:00

This is a video that Jenny Phillips made to go along with her CD for the 2011 youth theme. It's amazing. And my son is in it! He's the curly haired boy that says that princesses like to sit and watch TV. He also is in it later in the video. It has such a great message.

Teaching Kids the Traffic Light System

2010-10-23T20:27:00.000-06:00

Our whole family needs to be healthier. I took our oldest to a doctor's appointment this week and our doctor gave us an amazing handout about food. It's so fun for kids. It's called traffic light style eating and here's how it works. The traffic light system encourages healthy eating by guiding you to choose foods that are high in fiber, high in nutrients, low in sugar, good sources of healthy oils and foods that are low in saturated fats.

GREEN LIGHT FOODS can be eaten daily or often. They are high in fiber and low in sugar and saturated fats. Some examples are: whole grain bread, brown rice, oatmeal, corn tortillas, Cheerios, Wheat Chex, Shredded Wheat, Raisin Bran, Fresh Fruits and veggies, fat free milk, low fat string cheese, beans, tofu, tuna canned in water, water, etc.

YELLOW LIGHT FOODS can be eaten weekly or sometimes. They are often made with refined grains, have a small amount of added sugar, and contain moderate amounts of fat. Some examples are: white bread, white rice, pancakes, animal crackers, muffins, graham crackers, dried fruit, olives, avocado, mashed potatoes, 2% milk, low fat ice cream, light cream cheese, hamburger, peanut butter, sports bars, jam, popsicles, granola bars, 100% juice, etc.

RED LIGHT FOODS can be eaten monthly or rarely. They are generally processed, contain high amounts of sugar and fat, and have very little if any fiber. Some examples are: donuts, croissants, cheese crackers, corn chips, top ramen, macaroni and cheese, fettuccini alfredo, sugar cereals, creamed soups, french fries, tator tots, potato chips, whole milk, chocolate milk, whipped cream, bacon, sausage, pepperoni, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, mayonaise, butter, salad dressing, candy, soda, lemonade, punch, etc.

Our family was eating so many red light foods it was disgusting. I had my kids look over the lists and then we went grocery shopping. It was really fun. We have a long way to go to get FULLY healthy but by choosing more green light foods we will be on the right track! Stay tuned to see how our entire family is doing!

There are no "Soul Mates"

2010-10-22T18:52:00.000-06:00

I have to make this quick...I'm off to girls night out. I've been thinking about all the weight loss programs out there lately. I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe there is JUST one person out there for you. And I don't believe that there is JUST one weight loss program out there that works. I am reading "Intuitive Eating." I just finished chapter 1 and I have to admit that I'm pretty excited about it. I've tried other weight loss programs and I just didn't feel like it was a fit for me personally...AND THAT'S OK. So if you are feeling stuck in a rut, shake things up a little. Research other methods. You might just like it.

I am excited to read this book because I am an emotional eater. I each because I'm happy, sad, depressed, anxious, bored...you name it I eat because of it. My whole life revolves around food. I even woke up last night day dreaming (or night dreaming?) of the soup that my friend, Sam, sent home with me. It was so yummy! Anyways, I need to get a grip on my eating. But more importantly I need to get a grip on why I eat.

I went to a meditation class last night and it was amazing. It was so eye opening. I have so many fears that really do hold me back. I'm ready and willing to let go and let God take them from me. I'm ready to heal. I'm ready to listen to my body. I'm ready for a change.

Just Kidding...

2010-10-16T18:41:00.000-06:00

I know I said that I was going to combine blogs but I changed my mind after attending an amazing conference today. I have so much to share and to learn from. I can't wait to blog about it. I've also decided to keep blogging here because I love what this blog is all about. It's a battle worth winning. Depression is a battle worth winning and so is the battle with weight. And I want to share my journey with the blogging world. I'm taking my mess and making it my MESSage!

Blog is moving...

2010-10-06T15:23:00.000-06:00

In an effort to simplify my life I'm combining my blogs. So come check me out at www.stwarnercorner.blogspot.com

Trust me...you won't be disappointed! Make sure you follow me on that blog!

Overnight Oatmeal

2010-08-12T13:03:00.002-06:00

My husband and I went on a cruise last January. Every morning for breakfast I ate this oatmeal concoction that was to die for. It seemed that the oatmeal had been soaked in milk and then they added bananas, dried fruits and nuts. Oh my gosh...it was soooo good. So I have searching for a recipe similar to it and couldn't find one like that. I'm not sure why I just didn't create my own recipe! I found a recipe last night for Overnight Oatmeal. She took 1/2 C oatmeal and soaked it overnight in 1/2 C skim milk (I'm sure the stuff on the cruise was whole milk). She added cinnamon, nutmeg and walnuts.

Here's my "cruise" version:
1/2 C oatmeal
1/2 C skim milk
cinnamon
nutmeg
Cover and let it soak overnight.

This morning I added 1/2 frozen blueberries, thawed out and 2 T chopped pecans.
I made too much last night so I had the rest for lunch this afternoon. I added 1 sliced banana and 2 T pecans. Then I sprinkled it with a packet of Splenda.

I realized that I like it sweet and it wasn't very sweet this morning. But it was perfect for lunch. Not quite the way I remember it on the cruise (creamy, whole milk goodness). But it was VERY close. I swear I could eat this for every meal and not get tired of it.

8.2 Pounds!

2010-08-11T08:38:00.002-06:00

Yea baby! I've lost 8.2 pounds. What's the "secret?" Eating the right foods, in the right amount, getting sleep and exercising. Oh wait...I haven't been good about that one...YET. I'm parking futher away, walking to places when I can, etc. So I'm making small little changes. It's going to be so much easier to get a session at the gym in when the kids are back in school. I can drop them off and go! I know...excuses, excuses. I've also added in something else to my weight loss journey. More to come on that later. Some might get it and other will think I'm a freak...I don't care though. I "heart" it.

Greek Yogurt...Get Your YUM On!

2010-08-05T13:24:00.002-06:00

Did you see how much protein this yogurt has in it? I had never tried Greek yogurt before. I found the little cups at Walmart for only $1.00 each. That's a great price for this stuff. I bought the plain variety and added frozen blueberries and then sprinkled some Splenda on top. It was really, really good and really, really healthy.
I've been able to stay withing my calorie limits and not feel very hungry at all. I'm still having trouble getting all my water in for the day. Any suggestions on how I can get it all in? I need some creative ways...water is not my favorite thing.

Diamond Star For ME and YOU!

2010-08-05T09:25:00.002-06:00

I hit my first 5 pound mark today! I'm giving myself a silver, diamond star. Why silver and diamonds you ask? In Boy Scouts silver is actually higher than gold. And I'm more of a silver kind of gal. And diamonds? Well they ARE a girls best friend and it's my birthstone. So there you have it. I'll award it to you too! Just share your progress with us and it will be my award to my fellow bloggers. Who wouldn't want a silver diamond star for doing something excellent? So share with me your successes and I'll award you with a star!

PB Banana Split

2010-08-03T09:50:00.005-06:00

This picture is from trainermomma.com. I tried this recipe today. I cut a medium size banana in half, spread 1 T peanut butter on it, added 1/2 C vanilla yogurt and then topped it off with 1/4 C Fiber One cereal. It was delicious. And it's only 290 calories. It's one healthy breakfast! Thanks trainermomma!
I've lost 3.8 pounds so far. That's 3.8 closer to my goal. It's 3.8 pounds that I'll never have to carry around with me ever again. It's 3.8 pounds closer to shopping at THE GAP again! It's 3.8 pounds closer to having new family pictures taken. It's 3.8 pounds closer to being comfortable.
What are your favorite healthy foods?

Changes are a coming...

2010-08-02T09:44:00.003-06:00

I've been wasting money each month on my WW pass. It just wasn't working for me. I had NO motivation to follow their program. I'd leave my weekly meetings frustrated and feeling worse about myself. I'm not sure why I felt that way. I didn't want to count points. I didn't want to journal. It just wasn't working for me and that's ok.
My sister sent me a link the the MOST amazing blog EVER. She talks about an iPhone app called "Lose It." This FREE app is exactly what I was looking for. It was able to calculate my daily calories needed in order to lose weight. You have the option of having it calculate the calories needed in order to lose 1/2, 1, 1 1/2 and 2 pounds a week. It will also give you an approximate date that you will acheive your weight loss goal. Trainer Momma has recipes and workouts listed on her blog. She's a personal trainer and I know that she's an answer to prayers!
For the first time in years I woke up today excited and ready to start. I even want to exercise. I read a woman's story about how a year ago she could barely walk up her driveway and now she can run 13 miles. I want that to be me. I'm ready to lose the weight once and for all.
I'm tired of carrying around with my my badge of depression, stress, and even happiness. I ate all the time for all the wrong reasons. I hate horrible food. I'm ready to change.
Last night I cut everything in half before I put it on my plate. I had 1/2 of a chicken breast, 1/2 corn on the cob, fruit and cucumbers and tomatoes. I was totally satisfied and happy that I had been able to actually face the fear of being hungry and just do it.
I am doing well with my goals. I'm not working on all of them at once of course but I am working on some. I know it will be so much easier when the kids are back in school. And I have more time to work on them.
Thanks for the support.

Goal Setting

2010-07-18T20:28:00.002-06:00

I have NEVER been good at setting goals. Wait, scratch that. I'm good at setting them. I'm just not good at following through with them. Maybe if I post them on here for all the world to see I'll be held a little more accountable.

I've been really thinking today about my priorities in my life and what goals I'd like to set. I was researching on the internet and came across Celestial University. It was just what I was looking for. I am going to earn my Bachelor degree. Here's what I had to do. I had to pick a major. Then I had to choose 8 goals for that major and 5 goals in the College of Theology. Then I had to pick 3 goals in each other college. This is probably not making any sense if you haven't cliked the link. So go click it.

Here's what I'm working on. I've chosen Physical Education as my "major".
1. Exercise 10-15 minutes a day four times a week for one month.
2. Attend an aerobics class or exercise calss regularly for two months.
3. Go for an annual check-up at the doctor.
4. Give yourself a monthly exam for four months.
5. Set a goal to lose weight and do it.
6. Read the Word of Wisdom and make one improvement in your diet that corresponds to its counsel.
7. Take all family members to the dentist for exams.
8. Floss every day!

In the College of Theology I've chosen to:
1. Read 5 articles from recent Ensign magazines or other uplifting religious articles of your choice based on your faith.
2. Read my scriptures every day for one month.
3. Pray twoce a day on your knees for one month.
4. Kindly listen to every question asked of you by those in your household for one week.
5. Study the scriptures as a family every day for one month.

College of Applied Arts:
1. Learn to change a car's flat tire.
2. Re do a piece of furniture.
3. Clean my car inside and out.

College of Business and Economics:
1. Write out and follow a work schedule for one month.
2. Prepare your majoe Sunday meals ahead for 4 consecutive weeks.
3. Pick up and put away anything out of place before retiring and have each family member do the same for one month.

College of Fine Arts:
1. Attend a live symphony, music recital or dance performance.
2. Buy one classical or light classical CD for our home and play it.
3. Read about a famous painter, sculptor or composer.

College of Home Economics:
1. Can a vegetable.
2. Collect a one year supply of basic food items for our house.
3. Have a special candlelight dinner using our nicest dishes.

College of Interior Design:
1. Make new curtains for the family room and basement.
2. Make a floral arrangement for our bedroom.
3. Make a set of placemats or napkins.
4. Frame a family treasure.

College of Language Arts:
1. Write in your jornal at least once a week for three months.
2. Write a narrative, lyric or humourous song or poem.
3. Visit the library once a month for six months.

College of Social Science:
1. Do one act of compassionate service a month for four months.
2. Read an article a week for four weeks from a current news magazine.
3. Buy a world globe for our home.

College of Phychology:
1. Strive to be patient, kind, and understanding to everyone in your house for one week.
2. Plan and take one weekend or one day out of town with just your husband or close friend.
3. Change something about your appearance that you have wanted to for a while. Stay tuned for that one. I know exactly what I'm going to change.

This is going to be fun!

What A Difference A Day Makes

2010-07-18T19:12:00.001-06:00

Today has been a good day. A dear friend of mine posted something about me and it touched me in ways that I can't even express. You can link from here. I am a white raspberry! Thank you Sam. I love you.

So Much To Say

2010-07-17T21:34:00.002-06:00

I couldn't sleep last night thinking about what I wanted to write about. Do I remember any of it? Of course not! I'm not sure even where to begin. I'll just start with what happened today. I went to a music conference. There were several classes that I went to about becoming a recording artist. During one of the classes we were told to list 5 priorities that we had in life right now. Not one of them included a music career. I love singing. I love having the opportunity to sing with a well known LDS recording artist, Jenny Phillips. I recently auditioned to be a soloist for Jenny and she said that my voice was AMAZING. Yes, she used all caps! It made me feel great. All day long I felt out of place though. I realized that I am so perfectly content being in her choir and sharing an amazing message through song. I don't want to put in the time that it would take to become a recording artist. And that's ok. I still would LOVE to record on Jenny's upcoming CDs and am excited to record a song next Friday for a competition. I'll let you know how it goes. For so long now I've wondered where my life is supposed to go. I received a strong answer to that today. For a long time now I have just had this overwhelming feeling that if I'm doing the things that the Lord wants me to be doing He will lead me down the right paths. I am so happy where I am musically right now. I couldn't ask for more. And if recording with Jenny leads to futher opportunities I will jump at them. I just know that it's something that I'm not supposed to pursue at this point in my life.

I have GOT to get my poop in a pile. My life seems so scattered and unorganized. I feel like my depression in in check so I wonder why I can't seem to keep it together. My house is a wreck and I just don't have the motivation to clean it. The heat doesn't help either. I discovered something today. I am afraid. I am afraid of failing as a wife, a mother, a home maker and at losing this weight that I so desperately want to get rid of forever. I don't want to fail AGAIN.

I had lost 50 pounds. My son got sick and had 3 major operations this last year. And guess what? I packed every single pound back on! I'm so ashamed. I recently had the amazing opportunity to go on tour with Jenny Phillips and some of the most amazing people on earth. I hate how I look in the pictures. How do I stay motivated this time to make it happen again. Should I post pictures every where reminding myself of how fat I've gotten AGAIN? What do I do? I'm so scared to start Weight Watchers again. Do you know how many times I've started over again in the last few months? Let's put it this way...a dear friend and I started the same time way back when. I've gained and she's lost over 35 pounds.

I know this is something I have to do for myself. No one else can do this for me. I truly think this is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. I'm going to do it this time. I'm going to use my blog to keep me motivated. I hope you will come along for the ride. I know it will get bumpy but knowing I have people following me will mean so much.

I'm sick of being a dissappointment. For my whole life I've felt like that. I've never been good enough. I'm still not to some people and I just have to deal with those feelings. Why am I not good enough for them? Why is it that everyone else around me tells me I am an amazing person but they can't see it? I know! It's perspective. They just see the bad. And they let the bad fester and it eats them alive. I don't know how anyone can truly be happy living like that. I am a good person. I make mistakes. I forget things. I am human. I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am. I want to have people tell me their sorry. I want to forgive. I NEED to forgive. I NEED to forgive myself. But I'm not sure how to do it. When you've grown up feeling like a failure...well it's a HARD thing to overcome.

Wow! This is not where I thought I'd go with this post. But I'm hurting tonight. I am in mourning for the losses and the gains, the heartaches I've had recently, the realization that I will never be enough for some people. I need to let them go. I need to surround myself with postitive, uplifting people. But what do you do when what you really want will probably never happen?

Obviously I am sad and lonely tonight. I just want to be loved for who I am. I want to know what that feels like. I tell my kids I love them several times a day. My daughter asks me "Mom, why do you always tell me you love me?" Because kiddo, I never want there to be any kind of doubt in your mind EVER.

It's so important to tell those that you've hurt that you are sorry. And I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone. There is a saying that says something like this...you don't need to say that you are sorry. Your enemies don't care and your friends already know. I hate that saying. It's not true. And so I'm sorry. I'm sorry Tami for gaining the weight back. I'm sorry Tami for telling you horrible things about your body and your self worth. I won't do it again. You are amazing. You can do this! You do have friends and some family that adore you for who you are despite your flaws. It's ok that you forget things some times. It's ok that things are late and life goes on. It's ok. You have people who love you and can forgive you!

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I Love My Arms!!

2010-06-21T08:59:00.002-06:00

I am a self loather. I say the most horrible things to myself. It's something I've been working on for a LOOOONNNGGG time now. I picked up a copy of Weight Watchers magazine the other day at the store. There is an article in it that has totally changed my perspective about my body and the way I "talk" to myself. It's called "Beat the Body Blues." You too can learn to flex your "self-esteem" muscle.
One of the suggestions was once a week stand in front of a mirror and focus on a different praiseworthy body part. Are you thinking they same thing I am? NO WAY... are no praiseworthy body parts on this body YET. But I tried it and loved it. I look at my arms in a completely different way. I used to hate the way they flapped in the breeze and bulged out from certain sleeves. I love them now because they help me. They have helped me carry my children. They held them as babies. They cook delicious meals. They have created many crafty craft projects. They hug my friends. They clap at my kids' dance recitals. They can type! They hugged my husband which made him fall in love with me. I love my legs too. They have carried me through some tough times. When I thought I couldn't take one more step they did!
I have an amazing body and so do you! It might not be at the weight I want and need it to be but it gives me amazing experiences every single day.
Changing my thinking has changed me for the better!

What I've Realized

2010-06-16T09:40:00.003-06:00

I realized something last night about myself. I am terrible at doing things that TRULY make me happy and re-fill my "bucket". It's time that I really sit down and think about those things and prioritize my life. Do you know what I miss that truly, truly made me happy? Coupon shopping. Have you ever done that? I used to get 4 copies of the Sunday paper and that was my Sunday ritual in the morning. I would gather all of the ads and organize. I'm getting happy just remembering about it. I would have my excel spreadsheet with all the store's "deals" and go shopping. I got a thrill off of seeing how much I'd saved each time I shopped. I used to save $200-$300 on a single grocery shopping trip. My receipt would be taller than I am. I miss those days. I know what I'm doing this weekend! I'm getting my subscription back.
I need to take time to prioritize the activities in my life. I feel so scattered and I HATE that feeling. I feel like I have no control. I also LOVE to organize everything but you wouldn't know it because right now my house is no where near organized. My craft room has become a dumping ground. So that means no crafts and an unhappy me. It's time to get my life back in "order".
Maybe I'll post before and after pictures of my organizational projects.
I'm sick of being depressed again. It's a terrible place to be. My weight loss is ZILCH. I need to get my life back. I am addicted to this stupid computer. I'm on it all the time. It's terrible. So I'm taking a HUGE step for me and turning it off during the day. I can feel my heart start beating faster as I type this. I can do it. Hello...maybe if I turn off the computer and put my "addictions" aside I can get the stuff done that is really a priority.

In A Major Funk

2010-06-04T16:02:00.003-06:00

Are there any Glee fans out there? Tuesday's episode was about being in a funk and what you can do to get out of it. I am in a funk...big time. I've been a little down this last week. I wasn't sure why until last night. Last night was the final dance performance my kids were in. The end of the performance was really special. I saw what true, unconditional love from a loved one looks like. It's too personal to really share on my blog. But it made me want to be a better person and more importantly a better mother. I never want there to be ANY doubt in their little minds that I love them unconditionally. I asked my daughter if she's ever felt that I don't love her and she gave me this look like..."Mom, are you serious? That is such a lame question." Whew...I was so relieved. I'm so glad that I have the type of relationship I do with my kids. Anyway I came home last night and checked my email and facebook accounts. Again...I won't go into details but I started sobbing because of something someone wrote. I knew it was intended for me and that hurt even more.
I started crying, no sobbing. It was almost as if years of hurt and pain came out in my tears.
So what did I do? I immediately walked into the kitchen and started eating pizza of all things. And then I got even more upset. I was standing by the kitchen sing crying when my husband walked in. I fell into his arms and he just let me cry there. Boy this is getting personal and you are probably wondering why I am sharing this. I just want to know how you have overcome the need to eat when life gets sad or stressing. I honestly feel so very alone right now. Actually that's not true. I feel sad for relationships lost and relationships that I thought were great but really aren't so. I LOVE and thank those that love me and support me despite my faults and mistakes. Now how do I over come the food addiction?? HELP!!

Take A Tour With Me

2010-05-26T22:37:00.001-06:00

Welcome to our blog tour! I hope you enjoy the tour of some pretty cool blogs. Make sure you check them all out. Just click on the link below and then click on their link, etc. You'll eventually end up back at my blog!

I am just beginning my weight loss journey. Ok...that' not entirely true. A couple of years ago I lost almost 50 pounds. I gained almost all of it back. So now I'm at it again. This is me now. It was taken while I was singing at a good friend's wedding. She posted it on facebook and I just about died. How did I squeeze my big, fat boobs into that? I won't be wearing this shirt again for a while! So here it is...my "before" picture.

I've only lost about 4 pounds. But hey...it's 4 pounds! I'm following the Weight Watchers Momentum program. I have a gym membership that I try to go to regularly. I absolutely LOVE Zumba. It's offered a few times a week at the gym and it's so much fun. You'll never know you are getting a GREAT workout in.

This rice pudding is my all time favorite snack right now. It's only 1 point! I've eaten Kozy Shack Rice Pudding for years now and I never knew they had a healthy version of it. I was so happy when I found this. It's worth every penny I spend on it!

The biggest life lesson I've learned is forgiveness. I tend to beat myself up over everything. I say terrible things to myself and I'm trying so hard to stop that and to forgive myself. I have had to let go of the fact that I gained so much weight back and that's been good for me. I believe in myself and I WILL do it again.

The biggest strength I've discovered it that I can stop eating when I'm full and that I don't have to fear the feeling of being hungry. I totally used food as comfort. I would stuff myself silly and that would be comfortable for me. Even changing my eating over the last little while has shown me that I feel so much better when I don't over eat and when I eat the right things. It's empowering to stop and put my fork down or cover my plate with my napkin.

My toughest struggle has been exercise. I'm just not in the habit of doing it. I have a gym membership now and NEED to get my bootie there so my membership doesn't go to waste. I've got to figure out what system works for me. I think it will be a lot easier when my kids are out of school and I can go really early in the morning.

My biggest supporter has been my friend Sam. She probably doesn't know that but it's true. I joined WW when she did but I quit twice since she's been doing it. It's been hard this time. And she has encouraged me and loved me. She keeps me going. My husband is also a support. I got him to join too! Tonight is his first meeting.

When I make it to goal I plan to go crazy shopping! Before I was heavy my closet was FULL of GAP clothes. I can't wait to shop there again. I just can't wait to go into a store and know that I can shop in any section I want to! I can't wait to buy a cute swim suit. I might need a tummy tuck first! :)

I'm not sure what I would've wanted someone to say to me when I started WW again. I would tell someone to let go of fear. I know I was afraid. I was afraid of failure and of it not working. It does work! It's hard but good work. I can do it, you can do it! I'm your cheerleader! Now let's put our forks down and get to work!

The next blog on the tour is Anne's blog at Smaller Fun Pants. I hope you enjoy the tour!

Blog Tour Tomorrow!

2010-05-26T22:29:00.001-06:00

I am excited for our blog tour tomorrow. Stop by tomorrow and take the tour with me. You'll be directed to some amazing blogs! See you tomorrow! Good Night.

Learning...I Won't Beat Myself Up

2010-05-25T09:04:00.000-06:00

We went out to dinner at Cafe Rio last night. I did not order my usual pork salad. I ordered two pork tacos instead with black beans and rice. I was really surprised how satisfying it was. But after I ate I felt guilty. I was totally satisfied after eating some rice, beans and ONE of the tacos. Did I stop? Nope. I ate that 2nd taco and then the terrible voices in my head started raging! They told me I was a loser, had no self control, I was a pig, etc. But then I stopped!! I started re-thinking things. I had made a BETTER choice by ordering tacos instead of that salad. And even though I ate two tacos I told myself that I am making progress in my weight loss journey. I know that I have to change my habits. And so I turned self loathing into something positive. So next time I know that I can order one taco, rice and beans and feel totally 100% satisfied. Plus I'll save a lot of money too!!

Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-05-24T21:10:00.000-06:00

I am honored to receive this blogging award! Thank you to my friend Sam over at Believe In Yourself. She has been my inspiration, she believes in me and keeps me motivated. I love her!
The rules of this award: pass it onto 7 other bloggers. And then tell 7 things about yourself that no one really knows. BTW...I have to change the rules just this once! I'm awarding 5 bloggers.

I am happy to award this beautiful blogging award to the following well deserved bloggers!! Not all of these are weight loss blogs. They are blogs that enrich my life and will do the same to yours. And I don't know about you but when I read about others I am more inspired to be a better person!

1. Jocelyn at We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ. She is one amazing woman! Her blog is family centered and service centered. She really inspires me to be a better person! I hope I can meet her one day! Jocelyn, thanks for being my new friend! You always have something positive to say.

2. Misty at Misty's Scrapbook Corner. Misty and I went to school together way back when! She is an amazing woman. She is kind and compassionate. She is amazingly talented! I only dream of having true talent like this. She's got it going on! Misty thank you for your amazing courage and determination.

3. Petit Elefant is my next award. I don't know her personally but I've been a follow of hers for some time now. She's awesome! I love her blog. She has so many followers and I'm probably just another "number" to her but she's not to me!

4. Shan at Design Gal & Her Handyman. I found out about her blog because of a local news program. She has amazing thrift store ideas. Her vision of items found are out of this world! I can't wait to make her jewelry holder.

5. Audrey at Audrey's Bliss is a favorite. Her blog is private but deserves recognition. Her attitude is infectious. She radiates positiveness. She and I perform in the Jenny Phillips Choir together and I swear my life is better because of her attitude about life and family. You rock Audrey!

Here are 7 crazy, fun facts about me...

1. I LOVE to fold socks. If all laundry was just socks I would want to do it every day. It's so fun! So if you hate to fold socks I'll come over and do it for you!

2. I LOVE jewelry...the bigger, the better! I love rings. I have almost 30 different rings. And they are big, loud and sometimes gaudy. I can't go into a store without stopping by the jewelry section. I love earrings, bracelets, necklaces and cute watch bands. Awww...just blogging about jewelry makes me happy!

3. I collect magnets from the places we've traveled to. I'm not sure how many I have but our refrigerator is getting pretty full!

4. I am totally afraid of big dogs. It doesn't matter what kind of dog it is. If it's big...I'm afraid.

5. I LOVE to play games. I LOVE to act silly and immature when I play them too. Floppy face anyone? Or how about I've Never... We host FUN parties. They are legendary! Ok, maybe not but our friends do look forward to them.

6. I HATE unpacking from trips. I will dump out the dirty clothes and then live out of the suitcase until it's empty, then I can put it away. I went to Minneapolis in April and I think there's still a couple of things left in the suitcase.

7. One of my favorite things to eat it left over turkey dipped in ketchup. Hey! Don't knock it until you try it. Ok...I know it sounds gross but my dad would eat that growing up and I loved it. It's not Thanksgiving time until I have turkey and ketchup. Oh yea...the turkey has to be cold.

Thanks again Sam for the award!! I guess I need to find some fun weight loss blogs to follow also!

You've Got To Try These LOW Point Foods!

2010-05-23T10:09:00.000-06:00

I'm now on the lookout for delicious, low-point foods. Here are my latest finds. I love rice pudding. I love Kozy Shack's rice pudding but it's really high in fat, sugar and calories. I found no sugar added rice pudding last night at the store. I pulled out my handy dandy WW calculator and discovered they are only 1 point each! I tried it this morning and it is so good. And did I mention it's only 1 point! I am so excited that I can still eat rice pudding.I NEED a chocolate fix every day. My life won't go on if I can't have chocolate. These mousse cups fro Jell-O are only 1 point each. I love the light texture and the rich chocolate taste. I don't need a candy bar with these around.

I am so in love with this cereal. The vanilla taste is subtle and not so sweet, which I love. It's all natural and will even leave little black vanilla specks in your milk. My daughter wanted to know why they had put pepper in her cereal. It's definitely NOT pepper!

Guess how many points this little packet of apples has? ZERO. That's right! If you only eat one pack that is! These are expensive but worth every penny. I found a box of mixed varieties at Costco (I think it was around $14.00 for 20 bags). The pears and bananas/strawberries are 1 point each. They are crunchy, light and a perfect snack to keep at your desk or purse.

I've saved the best for last! These alternative bagels are only 1 point each. I'm not kidding. They are great toasted. I had a bagel sandwich for breakfast this morning. I cooked 3 egg whites in olive oil (got that in today!) and sandwiched that between an onion bagel. I was a little hesitant to try these because who wants to eat an "alternative" to anything? They are amazing!

What are your yummy, low-point finds?

I'm Hungry!

2010-05-21T16:57:00.000-06:00

I'm hungry right now. It's a feeling I've been so scared to feel. I think that's one reason why I kept myself full all the time. Why was I afraid of hunger? Would it hurt? Would it scar me for life? Would my face turn purple? Of course not. But feeling full was my comfort. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and I ate a TON. I didn't do that today. I promised myself I'd stick to my points and that I'd eat smart. So what that I'm hungry...hello it's 5 o'clock and time for dinner. It's a good feeling actually. I'm going to have a snack so I don't pig out when we go out to eat tonight. I survived being hungry!! What are you afraid of?

I'm Fat AGAIN!

2010-05-20T20:18:00.000-06:00

So here it is...my story. Ok, not so much of a story as a journey that I'm on and you can come along for the ride! I'm fat. Yep, it's true. I clearly remember being in high school and wishing a certain cheerleader would get fat when she got "old". She's not, she's absolutely beautiful and I'm the fat one. I was never overweight as a kid or teenager. When my husband and I were married I had gained some weight but was pretty comfortable wearing a size 14. We were married 12 years ago and now I can't wait for the day I can wear a size 14 comfortably! A couple of years ago I lost almost 50 pounds. I was looking good (I was almost that size 14 again)! But then my son got sick and spent a lot of time in the hospital. He's had 3 MAJOR surgeries in the last year. I stopped taking care of myself and I stopped going to my Weight Watchers meetings. The weight slowly crept back on. Now here I am almost at my starting weight AGAIN. Uggg. I joined WW a while ago and have been very wishy washy. I have been going for 5 weeks straight now and have gained weight each week. Why? Because I haven't been following one thing that they talk about. I didn't care yet.

I care now. I had my light bulb moment this week. And I'm pumped up now! I can't wait to get started. This is a new week. I CAN do this. YOU can do this. Let's do this TOGETHER!! I realized that I need support. I need it like a fat kid needs chocolate. Ok...probably not the right thing to say but you get the point. The meetings are great each week but how can I stay motivated? Through this bloggity blog I tell ya! So buckle your seat belts! It's going to be a bumpy but a GREAT ride!!

A Slight Change...

2010-05-20T19:12:00.000-06:00

I'm adding to this blog. I'm going to include my battle with weight along with my battle with depression. They go hand in hand for me. I have SO much to blog about and can't wait to get started. I don't have much time tonight but it's worth waiting for!! Stay tuned!!

So Much To Say

2010-01-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have so much on my mind right now. I had an appt. with Dr. Mike last week. He walked in and asked how I was doingl My immediate reaction was "I'm doing really good". We chatted for a minute and then he asked why I wasn't taking my ADD meds. I gave some lame excuses and then promised him that I would stay on them because I need them. It really is a pain to go in every month to get my Rx but I did promise him. He then asked me if I was having suicidal thoughts. I had promised myself a long time ago that I'd be honest with him because I really did want to get better. I thought about it for a minute and then told him yes. I think about it everyday. I didn't think it was a big deal because they are just fleeting thoughts. They aren't ones that I was thinking were a big deal because I wouldn't really do it. He told me that those were NOT normal. I had grown so used to having them everyday that they did become normal to me. That was the first time that someone had told me that it's NOT. Honestly it was shocking to hear. I thought that I was doing so much better. And I am I just now know that it's not ok to think about dying everyday. So if you are and you think it's ok because you know you'd never really follow through with them (like me) go get help!!

He upped my meds. I am still getting used to the medication. I am really tired. But I am so happy to be back on my ADD meds. I don't get irritated as much when I get interrupted. It was very frustrating for me when I was concentrating so hard on something and then one of my kids needed something because it would take me forever to try and re-focus.

I used to be so ashamed of my depression. I hid behind a "happy mask". I thought I was alone. It's hard for people to be understanding when they don't understand what is going on. I lost friends and frustrated people along the way. This blog has helped me so much and I hope that it's helped others.

Dr. Mike also said something that made me feel better about my depression. He said that our goal was to get into "remission". I had never thought of it like that. I like how he phrased it.

Depression is hard to live with. It truly is a battle that I have to fight on a daily basis. It's not something that I can "snap out of". No one can just snap out of it. And those, like me, who suffer from chronic depression will NEVER be "cured". But we can have it go into "remission". So if you are beating yourself up because you aren't cured STOP!! Accept it as a life long battle that CAN be won!!

You can do it! And you CAN be happy! I know first hand!

I Got Called On A Mission!!

2010-01-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

Ok...not really. But I did get the amazing book for Christmas and had to give a shout out to Michael McLean for writing what I don't have the talent to write. The advice and music are great. I had been searching for something that would be meaningful and helpful in this fight and I found it. My kids and I turn up the music and sing and dance. They understand the message too. The music is upbeat and energetic to say the least. It's fun. I've accepted my "call" and am now on the Mission 2 Be Happy.
Here are the songs that are on the CD:
1.Mission 2 Be Happy
2.Sick 'n Tired (of being sick 'n tired)
3.Pills
4. You Don't Know How Long This is Gonna Last
5.With Paul and John
6.I Don't Need a Sign
7. Someone Else
8. I've Got To Find Out Who I Am
9. One
10. The Toodle-OO
11. See Us Shine
12.What D'ya Got
13. Use Words
14. Something Perfect

So do you want a call too? You can! You can order it here.

I have learned that happiness is a choice. And on my really bad days I literally have to tell myself out loud...be happy, don't yell, it's ok, get up!, get showered, etc. It has made a huge difference in my life. So make the choice to be happy!

What To Do?

2009-12-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

I don't do well when I have to say goodbye to my family. I realize how much I love them and have fun with them. And it's so hard for me to live so far away from them. Especially living here in Utah...it just seems like everyone has family around and they don't have time for friends. I even heard someone say that they'd rather spend time with their sisters than with friends. What about us that really needs friends because we don't have sisters that live within 100+ miles of us? I know that I need to be grateful for the time that I do get to spend with them but that doesn't make it easier for me. So since Sunday I've been down in the dumps. So what did I do? I spent yesterday in my PJs. I read and took a nap. It was just what I needed. Then Steve took me out for dinner and it was nice to get out of the house. Today I'm feeling much better. I realize that it's ok to have bad days. It's ok to have days that I stay in my jammies ALL day long and do nothing. It's what I need every once in a while. So if you are reading this wondering what to do about a loved one who does the same things at times I say this...don't worry!! Don't take it personally. Don't get mad at them it will just make it worse. I am still trying to tell my husband this. He takes my down times too personally and it's hard. So just let us be and let us have our down days without having to explain why!!

Beating the Winter Blues

2009-12-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

I found this great article and thought I'd pass it along. Winter is hard for me especially when we are having an inversion.

10 Cool Ways to Beat the Winter Blues
Keep Your Energy High and Mood Lifted
-- By Nicole Nichols, Fitness Instructor & Health Educator
SparkPeople Sponsors help keep the site free!

Winter is in full force. As the days get shorter and the nights get colder, even the best of us can get a little down. The "winter blues" are characterized by the mild depression, lack of motivation, and low energy that many people experience during this cold season. Luckily, there’s a lot you can do to both prevent the blues from coming on and get yourself back to normal if they’re already here.

1. Exercise
As if we needed another reason to get fit! Exercise isn’t only for maintaining your weight and staying healthy. It’s great for relieving the stresses of life. Plus, the effects of a good workout can last for several hours after you hit the showers. You’ll have more energy throughout the day, and your metabolism with stay elevated too. Exercise also helps your mind by releasing those "feel good chemicals" that improve your mood.

2. Eat a Healthy Diet
What and when you eat has a great affect on your mood and energy. Avoid refined and processed foods (like white breads, rice, and sugar). These foods are not only devoid of the nutrients your body craves, but they zap your energy levels and can affect your mood—causing depression, lack of concentration, and mood swings. Try to incorporate more complex carbohydrates (whole wheat breads, brown rice, veggies, fruit) and get your daily 8 cups of water. These healthy foods provide your body (and mind) with nutrients, and stabilize your blood sugar and your energy levels.

3. Get Some Sun
Most people know that sunlight provides us with Vitamin D. But did you know that it also improves your mood? Winter days are shorter and darker than other months, and because of the cold weather, a lot of people spend less and less time outdoors. Lack of sunlight can cause many people to become depressed—without knowing why! Similar to exercise, sunlight exposure releases neurotransmitters in the brain that affect mood. Try to spend a little more time outdoors. Keep your shades up during the day to let more light in. Sit near windows in restaurants and during class. Try changing the light bulbs in your house to "full spectrum" bulbs. These mimic natural light and actually have the same affects on your mind as the real thing.

4. Act on your Resolutions
A recent study from the CDC showed a strong link between healthy behaviors and depression. Women who exhibited healthy behaviors (like exercising, not smoking, etc.) had less sad and depressed days than those whose behaviors were less than healthy. Although researchers studied women, the results are likely similar in men.

5. Avoid Binge Drinking
Staying in with a cold beer or a nice glass of wine may seem like the only thing to do in the winter months, and many people who feel down also tend to turn to alcohol when they’re feeling down. But alcohol is actually a depressant, and rather than improving your mood, it only makes it worse. Avoiding alcohol when you are already depressed is a good idea. Moderate drinking is fine for most people, but binge drinking (defined as having 5 or more drinks in one sitting) is never a healthy choice. The morning after will have you feeling sick, depressed, and even more tired, which will affect many aspects of your life. This will make your low energy and bad mood even worse.

6. Treat Yourself
Having something to look forward to can keep anyone motivated. Winter seems endless! But if you plan something exciting, your mood improves when you’re anticipating it and when the event actually comes. Plan something that’s exciting to you—a weekend trip, a day at the spa, a party (but keep #5 above in mind), or special event like a play, girls (or guys) night out, or sporting event.

7. Relax!
You’re busy! Work, class, family, friends, appointments, meetings—even if you enjoy being busy, everyone needs some time off. Don’t be afraid to say "No" to extra opportunities (covering a shift for a co-worker, bringing food to your son’s class party). Try to spend a few minutes each day doing nothing! Read a book or magazine, sleep in on the weekend, go to bed early, try some meditations, or take a yoga class. Relaxation, especially in the form of yoga, can alleviate stress and leave you with a calm energy. Mental exercises like meditation and positive thinking can help keep depression at bay.

8. Embrace the Season
Instead of always avoiding the cold and the snow—look for the best that it has to offer! Take up a winter sport like ice skating, snowboarding, hockey, or even sledding! Enjoy these opportunities while they last—after all, they’re only here a few months per year. Staying active will boost your energy. Seeing winter in a positive light, with all the fun activities that it has to offer, will keep your spirits high.

9. Get Social Support
Don’t underestimate the power of friends, family, mentors, co-workers, and neighbors. Who can you turn to when you’re down and need a pick-me-up? Keep a mental list of these special people and don’t be afraid to ask for help or encouragement when you need it. Something as simple as a phone call, a chat over coffee, or a nice email or letter can brighten your mood.

10. Catch some Zzzz’s
People naturally want to sleep a little bit more during the winter. But with all we have going on, sometimes sleep is the first thing to go. With a little time management, and some self-discipline, you can meet your shut-eye needs. Aim for 7-8 hours each night, and try to keep your bedtime and waking time consistent. That way, your sleeping patterns can normalize and you’ll have more energy. Try not to oversleep—those 12-hour snoozes on the weekend can actually make you MORE tired. Don’t forget naps! A short (10-30 minute) afternoon nap may be all you need to re-energize midday.

Bring Change 2 Mind

2009-10-21T16:43:00.000-06:00

After I got ready this morning I had a feeling to turn on the TV. It just happened to be the View that I started watching. I normally don't watch the show but today I needed to see it. Glenn Close, the actress, was on the show with her sister. I guess she was on Good Mornin America too. It was a great message that she and her sister shared. She is starting a new awareness campaign. It's amazing. I wanted to post it so all could see it.

It's Been a LONG Time

2009-09-15T12:00:00.001-06:00

Was it really in February that I last posted? Sorry. I'm just not sure if anyone still reads this blog.

What can I say? What a difference a few months makes! We've moved back to the Salt Lake area and I couldn't be happier. I saw a dear friend of mine from Tooele and she said that I was "glowing". She could tell I was happier. We joked around that one of the only reasons we moved to Tooele anyways was so we could meet. She says that I am her guaridan Angel but she is mine too! I hope she knows that.

I am doing a lot better with the depression. I still have my days (sometimes many days in a row!). It's a battle I will fight forever but that's ok. I have a great support system.

I have been down the last week or so. I realized that it's because I haven't been doing anything to renew my spirit. I just sit around and do nothing or it's the same old boring routine everyday. And I can't do that. I need to get crafting again. I just unpacked my craft room (well I should say it's 90%) unpacked. I have several thing I want to work on and need to start! I also need another good book to read. Anyone have any good suggestions?

I need some balance in my life. I find that I get very down when my house gets dirty. I look around and am overwhelmed with the mess. And then I just get more depressed. I tend to beat myself up a lot!

But this morning I had my husband give me a priesthood blessing. We are LDS and I know that the power of prayer and the priesthood can help. He mentioned that I need to be thankful for the things that I have, even the little things. And then I realized that I had forgotten to be thankful. That's a huge trigger for me. I need to remember to be thankful! And I need to fill my life with good things like good music, TV, books, etc.

Speaking of that. I LIVE for the fall TV lineup! I love to set my DVR and see if fill up! Seriously...it really does make me happy. So I guess we all need to find the things that make us happy even if it doesn't make sense to other people. I have a NEW favorite TV show! Has anyone seen "Glee" yet! Holy moly. That's one thing that brings a smile to my face!

So find things that make you happy! Do them! Find little things to be grateful for. I once got an email from someone VERY dear to my heart and they write down 5 things that they are grateful for each and every night. Sometimes it's easy for them and sometimes it's hard. That's keeping it real! So sometimes we will be grateful for the $20 bill that we found in a jacket pocket and then other times we will be grateful that we were able to just get out of bed. It's ok. Just find the good!

Doing Well!

2009-02-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog. I just wanted to say, now that I've been on my meds for a while, that I'm doing really well! We've had a rough couple of months and my depression has been in check for the most part. I've had my bad days that's for sure but overall I'm on the right track.

I hate taking the meds though. I have a hard time really doing it because I can't get over the fact that I HAVE to take them. How do I get over that? I guess I just need to remember that I'd be a mess without them and I so don't want to go back to that point ever again!!

I'm still amazed at how depression can cloud your mind and make it very bitter. I'm embarrassed and sad that I became so anti everything. I keep thinking about the whole religion thing. I seriously can't even believe how bad things got with that. It's amazing that after getting on my feet and doing what's right how things change. I do keep thinking about how I doubted the Lord and His love for me. I'm so sorry for those that I've hurt along the way. But please know that I DO know that the Lord loves me and I know He hears my prayers. I didn't realize how wonderful religion is in my life. I'm a believer. I no longer doubt. And it feels amazing.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. It's been a rough road but I'm glad for the experiences I've had. I hope it makes me a better person. And I hope that I in turn can help others who are suffering right along with me! Much love!

Are you kidding me??

2009-01-10T07:27:00.001-07:00

I got the bill from the ER this week. Umm...health care here in America is a JOKE!! I don't remember much from the ER at all so I asked Steve about some of the charges on the bill. I guess I had a headache and asked for some Tylenol. Want to know how much I was charged for 2 stinkin Tylenol??? $177.20. I'm so NOT kidding. Really? Do you know how much I could buy at Walmart for that price? I was also charged over $500 for an "extended stay" at the ER? Really? Really? I didn't know that there was a time limit for an ER visit. I can not believe how greedy our society has become. It's no wonder we have a health care crisis in America.

2009-01-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted anything in a while. I'm doing well. I think the new meds are working now. I don't feel quite as depressed as I was before. I didn't go to work today though. I've quit my job and I can't wait until I don't have to go back. I enjoyed my time there but it's time for me to be at home. I can't get better if I stay there. I've decided that I don't need anymore toxic environments anymore in my life. I'm eliminating any stressers that I can. Obviously you can't remove all of life's stressers. Wouldn't that be great? Now I just have to learn some better coping skills. I'm still using my safety plan!

I had a tough session with my therapist this week. It was awesome though because I realized a lot of things. I've been needing help learning to trust myself and others. I've had a heck of a time opening up to my husband. You'd think that after almost 11 years of marriage I'd have it down but I'm JUST now beginning to do that. It's been really scary but wonderful for me at the same time. I'm so afraid of getting hurt. But I KNOW that I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. He loves me for who I am!! He doesn't try to change me. I'm wacky and crazy and don't like to follow the "trends". I am my own person and he loves that about me. Although I know there are things that drive him crazy!! Like my new "hobby/obsession"...Sudoku. Babe, you can blame UNI for that! I've always wanted to learn to play and someone taught me when I was in the hospital. Umm...ADD moment...back to the whole theapist thing. I love my therapist and I'm happy that after a year of "therapy" I'm just now beginning to get to the hard stuff.

Sometimes I feel badly about myself that I'm mentally ill (I guess you'd say that because I will never be off meds) and it's been really hard to come to grips with that. Everyone says "well a diabetic needs meds it's the same thing". I hear that but I don't feel it by any means. So here I am trying to come to grips with my illness. An illness that MANY, MANY people don't understand and judge. If you are one of those please stop right now! Realize that this is a serious thing and that there are many people who can't control depression with diet, exercise, scriptures, church, etc. I have been so very, very blessed with supportive people in my life. I really think I'd be much worse off without a good support system. Thank you to those that love me! I love you too!

Long Post - Worth the Read!!

2008-12-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

This article was read to us at UNI during one of our groups. It happened to be my last group there. I asked for a copy of it. It helped me a lot. While I did NOT grow up in a dysfunctional home there were many parts of the article that struck me! I realized that I am addicted to sadness. I'm not sure why or how long that has been going on (since I was little I would guess). It totally made me think of me and my depression in a new light. It has to do with the holidays but it's filled with such good info I thought I'd share it now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It's pretty long but it's well worth the read. Love to you all! Tami

Some Greenery From the Holiday Blues by John Bradshaw

I was an active alcoholic for mor than 20 years, and during that time the holidays were always a terrible time for me. I felt very blue, and from Thanksgiving to the third of January I would be deeply depressed and drinking heavily. Later, in sobriety, I became fascinated by the phenomenon of the holiday blues, wondering why so many people are unusually depressed, suicidal, and acting out their addictions at a time when the idea is to be jolly and rejoice and celebrate the good news.
Some of the blues that people feel at this time are perfectly healthy. Blues have to do with loss and longing. And as each new holiday season dawns; some losses have to be grieved. The first is the loss of childhood itself, with all its magic, excitement and wonder. There's the longing for loved ones who won't be with us this year because of death or distance. And every piece of Christmas music played magnifies a feeling of loss. There is no escaping it and within normal bounds, no reason to.
Some blues, however, are neurotic. Some people are simply addicted to sadness, and they use it to cover up other feelings, such as joy. I have evidence in my clinical archives of a phenonmenon called the sad child script. It results from a child having been disappoinged over and over again, or from the shaming of a child's excitement and joy - so much so that the only way to stay happy is to stay sad. It's a paradoxical solution: "If I never have any expectations, she says to herself, then I'll never be disappointed."
Another type of neurotic-blues phenomenon can be the sad-feeling racket. A feeling racket is family authorized and replaces other feelings. For example, a little girl might notice that when she's happy she gets no attention but when she's sick or down in some way, she gets loads of attention from her family. She may conclude that the pouting that worked so well at home will pay off everywhere in life.
Dysfunctional families specialize in sad feeling addiction and sad-feeling rackets. In many disfunctional families there are deep layers of unresolved grief from childhood pain and trauma. These traumas are maintained into adulthood. Traumatic memories often cluster from what has been called governing scenes. Very often the most traumatic governing scene of the family happened around the holidays. So when the person hears Christmas music, smells the scent of the pine tree, those scenes are immediately evoked. The person goes back into the scene of pain and unresolved sadness. This is why dysfunctional families will reenact those scenes during the holidays - the fights and tantrums with all the screaming and shouting that no one ever wanted - even despite the best intentions. Thus once again the holidays end in sadness and pain.
If you identify with any of these situations, I recommend that you take a few steps. First, allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the magic of childhood, and make a decision to allow the child in you to be present during this holiday season and to enjoy every minute of it. Take some time to grieve the people you love who are no longer with you. And if your family is separated or divorced, let yourself have the sadness over not being together anymore.
If you come from a dysfunctional family, the most important thing you can do is to understand what's happening. You may need to make a decision that you're going to do some work on that unresolved grief so that you can finish the unfinished business. And to just get through the holidays, there's more you can do. You can let the people with sad-child rackets be sad. Don't spoil their day by trying to cheer them up. You might even tell them something awful if you know that's the sort of thing that would please them most. And if your family is into sad-feeling rackets, limit your time with them. Make plans to get out of the house, or if you're visiting from out of town, arrange to stay in a hotel.
Last Christmas a client of mine made a list of 171 criticisms her mother was likely to make during a holiday visit. When her mother walked in the dorr the first thing she said was "your Christmas balls have dust on them." My client burst out laughing. This was one fault she had not thought of. The point is to get involved outside yourself this Christmas and take it all less seriously.
We need to lighten up during the holidays, so find some laughs for yourself. Avoid a multigenerational accident, and make your choice for a joyous holiday.

Safety Plan

2008-12-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

The greatest thing that I learned up at UNI (the hospital that I was in) was to have a safety plan. I had never heard of such a thing but now that I know what it is I believe EVERYONE should have one regardless if they suffer from cronic depression/anxiety or whatever! Everyone gets frustrated at times and a little down too. Here's how a safety plan works. On a piece of paper list your warning signs (these are signs that something might happen like a breakdown). Then list your coping skills (anything that you like to do that will relieve the stresses), then list your contacts (people that you can call if you are in crisis mode and your coping skills haven't worked to calm you down...911 should be on there too!!)

I told the Doctor that I was going to make my safety plan all scrapbooky (is that really a word?). He thought that was a great idea because then it became MINE! I've use my safey plan almost everyday. I've become better aware of my warning signs.

Here's a sampling of some things on my safety plan.

Warning sins: being irritable, WANTING to eat when I'm not hungry, wanting to be alone (ALL the time), not wanting to get out of bed, yelling, crying, etc...
Coping skills: take Charlie for a walk, read a book, play piano, sing, take a drive, color or paint, sew more aprons, scrapbook, organize, lay down in bed, etc...
Contacts: I have listed several, close family members and friends. I also have a crisis line on there and if all else fails 911.

Go and make yours!! You won't be sorry you did!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

I met with my counselor today. He's awesome. He met with me on Christmas Eve! I'm doing much better this week. Steve, my family and friends have been an amazing support system. I've seen so much good come from my stay at UNI already. Thank you for your love and support. It means the world to me. I went back to work on Monday. It went ok. I'm really not sure what to do about working there. I thought that I had made my decision but now I'm re-thinking things. Right now I'm just going to stay put until I have a reason to leave. It's been hard to try and focus on catching up at work and having that stress. AAAGGGGHHHH!! So many things to think about.

So before I forget I have to write about a couple of characters that totally made my stay at UNI one hilarious adventure. I won't use their names I'll just use their initial.

L - Oh man. What a guy! He looked at me one day and told me that he was satan and that he was going to create a new hell. Ummm...ok. I played along. But the next day he was Jesus and had his blanket wrapped around him like a robe. He even carried some scriptures around with him. He wore glasses with the tag still attached to the bridge. He snorted splenda off of the counter! I'm so not making this up.

Then there was R. He was a bitter, angry guy. I heard him asking the staff for a Book of Mormon. They gave him a military copy. I noticed that when we were in group or in the common room he would open it to the same page and smile. He never turned a page! Then I noticed that the magazines that Steve had brought me had pictures ripped out of them. It totally clicked! He'd been ripping out the pretty girls and slipping them in the Book of Mormon!! Oh my gosh! I saw him rip some picts out and put them in his shoe so he could sneak them to his room. He sat next to me one day and told me that I had a cute nose. WOW!!

I honestly felt like I was in prison. I'm glad that I only had to spend 3 days there. But I'm sitting here tonight on Christmas Eve and think about them. I hope that they aren't there. I hope that they are back at home and that they have support like I have. But I realize that is probably NOT the case. I'm sure that many are still there. I hope that they will have a happy Christmas.

I'm happy to be home. I've been so good about taking my meds. And I finally feel a change in me. Yea!! Thanks again for all the support you've shown me.

What a week!

2008-12-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe that it will be a week ago tomorrow that my life totally changed for the better. It took me hitting rock bottom to figure some things out but I'm ok with that. Last Saturday I had a total and complete mental breakdown. Seriously, the kind you see in the movies. For those of you that know me it's hard to imagine I'm sure. I'm usually a happy person but over the last few months I have not been. My Dr. switched my meds a few months ago and what a mistake that was. I was taking Celexa and she switched me over to Cymbalta. I became a totally different person. Steve said that I was horrible to live with and that my depression was worse than it was when I wasn't taking meds. The crazy thing about this is that I totally thought that things were just fine. I didn't see the changes in me that others did. Last Saturday was my breaking point. It all got started over a dumb passport. I'm not kidding. That's how out of it I was. Loooonnngggg story short...I lost it and told Steve that I had taken a bunch of pills when I really hadn't. I wasn't suicidal by any means but I wanted him to know that I was hurting and that was the only way I could think of. He called 911 and the cops and paramedics came and took me to the hospital. I was at our local ER for 5 hours and then finally was transferred up to UNI. I'll tell you more about that later. This is just the beginning of my story and battle with SEVERE depression and anxiety. I'll post more VERY soon. Hopefully tonight. I can't wait to tell you about my stay at UNI. It's definately something to look forward to. Gotta run and cut Steve's hair now.