I couldn't sleep last night thinking about what I wanted to write about. Do I remember any of it? Of course not! I'm not sure even where to begin. I'll just start with what happened today. I went to a music conference. There were several classes that I went to about becoming a recording artist. During one of the classes we were told to list 5 priorities that we had in life right now. Not one of them included a music career. I love singing. I love having the opportunity to sing with a well known LDS recording artist, Jenny Phillips. I recently auditioned to be a soloist for Jenny and she said that my voice was AMAZING. Yes, she used all caps! It made me feel great. All day long I felt out of place though. I realized that I am so perfectly content being in her choir and sharing an amazing message through song. I don't want to put in the time that it would take to become a recording artist. And that's ok. I still would LOVE to record on Jenny's upcoming CDs and am excited to record a song next Friday for a competition. I'll let you know how it goes. For so long now I've wondered where my life is supposed to go. I received a strong answer to that today. For a long time now I have just had this overwhelming feeling that if I'm doing the things that the Lord wants me to be doing He will lead me down the right paths. I am so happy where I am musically right now. I couldn't ask for more. And if recording with Jenny leads to futher opportunities I will jump at them. I just know that it's something that I'm not supposed to pursue at this point in my life.
I have GOT to get my poop in a pile. My life seems so scattered and unorganized. I feel like my depression in in check so I wonder why I can't seem to keep it together. My house is a wreck and I just don't have the motivation to clean it. The heat doesn't help either. I discovered something today. I am afraid. I am afraid of failing as a wife, a mother, a home maker and at losing this weight that I so desperately want to get rid of forever. I don't want to fail AGAIN.
I had lost 50 pounds. My son got sick and had 3 major operations this last year. And guess what? I packed every single pound back on! I'm so ashamed. I recently had the amazing opportunity to go on tour with Jenny Phillips and some of the most amazing people on earth. I hate how I look in the pictures. How do I stay motivated this time to make it happen again. Should I post pictures every where reminding myself of how fat I've gotten AGAIN? What do I do? I'm so scared to start Weight Watchers again. Do you know how many times I've started over again in the last few months? Let's put it this way...a dear friend and I started the same time way back when. I've gained and she's lost over 35 pounds.
I know this is something I have to do for myself. No one else can do this for me. I truly think this is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. I'm going to do it this time. I'm going to use my blog to keep me motivated. I hope you will come along for the ride. I know it will get bumpy but knowing I have people following me will mean so much.
I'm sick of being a dissappointment. For my whole life I've felt like that. I've never been good enough. I'm still not to some people and I just have to deal with those feelings. Why am I not good enough for them? Why is it that everyone else around me tells me I am an amazing person but they can't see it? I know! It's perspective. They just see the bad. And they let the bad fester and it eats them alive. I don't know how anyone can truly be happy living like that. I am a good person. I make mistakes. I forget things. I am human. I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am. I want to have people tell me their sorry. I want to forgive. I NEED to forgive. I NEED to forgive myself. But I'm not sure how to do it. When you've grown up feeling like a failure...well it's a HARD thing to overcome.
Wow! This is not where I thought I'd go with this post. But I'm hurting tonight. I am in mourning for the losses and the gains, the heartaches I've had recently, the realization that I will never be enough for some people. I need to let them go. I need to surround myself with postitive, uplifting people. But what do you do when what you really want will probably never happen?
Obviously I am sad and lonely tonight. I just want to be loved for who I am. I want to know what that feels like. I tell my kids I love them several times a day. My daughter asks me "Mom, why do you always tell me you love me?" Because kiddo, I never want there to be any kind of doubt in your mind EVER.
It's so important to tell those that you've hurt that you are sorry. And I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone. There is a saying that says something like this...you don't need to say that you are sorry. Your enemies don't care and your friends already know. I hate that saying. It's not true. And so I'm sorry. I'm sorry Tami for gaining the weight back. I'm sorry Tami for telling you horrible things about your body and your self worth. I won't do it again. You are amazing. You can do this! You do have friends and some family that adore you for who you are despite your flaws. It's ok that you forget things some times. It's ok that things are late and life goes on. It's ok. You have people who love you and can forgive you!
YOU CAN DO THIS!!
I hate answering a post with a post --- but listen to this http://fatgirlvsworld.blogspot.com/2010/07/starting-place.html
ReplyDeleteI really like this talk because it really drives home the point that deep down inside all of us is someone who has done no wrong and deserves a chance to be trusted, taken care of, and believed in. Please try there. I hope it helps.
Tami this post breaks my heart. I can not wait to get to REALLY know what makes that silly head and heart of yours, have those feelings. I CAN NOT imagine anyone NOT thinking you are fun, loving, talented, beautiful, lucky, faithful, true, honest, amazing and strong, just to name a few.
ReplyDeleteMaybe having Mr. Tami away has caused some of your sadness. Just a thought. I wish I could give you a BIG huge and wrap my arms around your heart and some how ease your pain.
You have my digits and even though we are not tight like you and some of your other friends, I hope you know you can call me anytime. I am here for you. There are just a handful of people that I have came across in my long journey in this life that I have felt an immediate connection with. And you are in that small group.
Please allow me to help you. Plus, ("Face it girls, I am older, and have more insurance" love thinking I am Towonda from Fried Green Tomatoes. She's my hero!)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZhmZxPWni0.love ya.smile.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
ReplyDeleteWe ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-- Marianne Williamson
Tami, I hardly know you, but what I do know, I think seriously are amazing! We are our worst critics and can be so brutal on ourselves (its quite pathetic!) Im envious of our talents, Im in aww of your singing "career" its so incredible! I hope we can get to know each other better and can become good friends!! I think you are freakin awesome!!! :) Love ya, Jamie Fitch
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, I would like to think that I know you better than most...maybe better than anyone. If 12+ years with you have taught me anything it is to be in awe of your strength, talents and heart. We throw around the word awesome a lot, but honey, you really are awe-inspiring - AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches and I feel your anguish. Tami, you are cherished and admired by so many people. The growth and progress you have made over the past year are nothing short of miraculous.
Be proud of who you are and the path you are on. As for the people and experiences of the past? For good or bad, they made you who you are. And who you are is wonderful and amazing.
I am so grateful that I have you as my companion, example and eternal best friend. Thank you for teaching me so much. I love you.