Thursday, January 21, 2010

So Much To Say

I have so much on my mind right now. I had an appt. with Dr. Mike last week. He walked in and asked how I was doingl My immediate reaction was "I'm doing really good". We chatted for a minute and then he asked why I wasn't taking my ADD meds. I gave some lame excuses and then promised him that I would stay on them because I need them. It really is a pain to go in every month to get my Rx but I did promise him. He then asked me if I was having suicidal thoughts. I had promised myself a long time ago that I'd be honest with him because I really did want to get better. I thought about it for a minute and then told him yes. I think about it everyday. I didn't think it was a big deal because they are just fleeting thoughts. They aren't ones that I was thinking were a big deal because I wouldn't really do it. He told me that those were NOT normal. I had grown so used to having them everyday that they did become normal to me. That was the first time that someone had told me that it's NOT. Honestly it was shocking to hear. I thought that I was doing so much better. And I am I just now know that it's not ok to think about dying everyday. So if you are and you think it's ok because you know you'd never really follow through with them (like me) go get help!!

He upped my meds. I am still getting used to the medication. I am really tired. But I am so happy to be back on my ADD meds. I don't get irritated as much when I get interrupted. It was very frustrating for me when I was concentrating so hard on something and then one of my kids needed something because it would take me forever to try and re-focus.

I used to be so ashamed of my depression. I hid behind a "happy mask". I thought I was alone. It's hard for people to be understanding when they don't understand what is going on. I lost friends and frustrated people along the way. This blog has helped me so much and I hope that it's helped others.

Dr. Mike also said something that made me feel better about my depression. He said that our goal was to get into "remission". I had never thought of it like that. I like how he phrased it.

Depression is hard to live with. It truly is a battle that I have to fight on a daily basis. It's not something that I can "snap out of". No one can just snap out of it. And those, like me, who suffer from chronic depression will NEVER be "cured". But we can have it go into "remission". So if you are beating yourself up because you aren't cured STOP!! Accept it as a life long battle that CAN be won!!

You can do it! And you CAN be happy! I know first hand!


  1. So proud of you girl! I had to learn the hard way not to let myself run out of my meds each month. Luckily one of mine has horrible side effects if I stop cold turkey and so I NEVER let myself run out of that one.

  2. I'm so proud of you for being honest with yourself and your doctor. It's not easy to talk about those kinds of thoughts and feelings. I wish that I would have had your blog when I was in high school as it would have helped me to know I wasn't the only person out there thinking about death. You're a rock star, thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It makes a difference in my day!

  3. Thank you so much for having the courage to write this blog, it makes a real difference. You are right, those that do not struggle with depression have no clue the effort it takes to live our lives. I hate hearing, "just snap out of it" because it is not that easy, if it was we would do it. It's not like we enjoy battling depression. Thank you for this post, I love how you put that depression is never cured, but we can work for remission. You are an inspiration.

  4. Great blog!! Its so nice to have people that are open and willing to talk about it. Too many of my friends used to get uncomfortable, or say "its just a phase" when I would try and share with them. The only way to help is to talk!

  5. I found your BLOG-I don't think it was an reading this post you made me realize it is ok to want to feel better than I do...that I don't have to settle....I can get out of bed everyday..not just the days I have to. Getting on the correct meds has been so frustrating for me....I guess I gave up....I am going to fight back and find the meds and therapist that are right for me. So thank you from another busy mom living with Chronic depression! God Bless!