Sunday, July 18, 2010

Goal Setting

I have NEVER been good at setting goals. Wait, scratch that. I'm good at setting them. I'm just not good at following through with them. Maybe if I post them on here for all the world to see I'll be held a little more accountable.

I've been really thinking today about my priorities in my life and what goals I'd like to set. I was researching on the internet and came across Celestial University. It was just what I was looking for. I am going to earn my Bachelor degree. Here's what I had to do. I had to pick a major. Then I had to choose 8 goals for that major and 5 goals in the College of Theology. Then I had to pick 3 goals in each other college. This is probably not making any sense if you haven't cliked the link. So go click it.

Here's what I'm working on. I've chosen Physical Education as my "major".
1. Exercise 10-15 minutes a day four times a week for one month.
2. Attend an aerobics class or exercise calss regularly for two months.
3. Go for an annual check-up at the doctor.
4. Give yourself a monthly exam for four months.
5. Set a goal to lose weight and do it.
6. Read the Word of Wisdom and make one improvement in your diet that corresponds to its counsel.
7. Take all family members to the dentist for exams.
8. Floss every day!

In the College of Theology I've chosen to:
1. Read 5 articles from recent Ensign magazines or other uplifting religious articles of your choice based on your faith.
2. Read my scriptures every day for one month.
3. Pray twoce a day on your knees for one month.
4. Kindly listen to every question asked of you by those in your household for one week.
5. Study the scriptures as a family every day for one month.

College of Applied Arts:
1. Learn to change a car's flat tire.
2. Re do a piece of furniture.
3. Clean my car inside and out.

College of Business and Economics:
1. Write out and follow a work schedule for one month.
2. Prepare your majoe Sunday meals ahead for 4 consecutive weeks.
3. Pick up and put away anything out of place before retiring and have each family member do the same for one month.

College of Fine Arts:
1. Attend a live symphony, music recital or dance performance.
2. Buy one classical or light classical CD for our home and play it.
3. Read about a famous painter, sculptor or composer.

College of Home Economics:
1. Can a vegetable.
2. Collect a one year supply of basic food items for our house.
3. Have a special candlelight dinner using our nicest dishes.

College of Interior Design:
1. Make new curtains for the family room and basement.
2. Make a floral arrangement for our bedroom.
3. Make a set of placemats or napkins.
4. Frame a family treasure.

College of Language Arts:
1. Write in your jornal at least once a week for three months.
2. Write a narrative, lyric or humourous song or poem.
3. Visit the library once a month for six months.

College of Social Science:
1. Do one act of compassionate service a month for four months.
2. Read an article a week for four weeks from a current news magazine.
3. Buy a world globe for our home.

College of Phychology:
1. Strive to be patient, kind, and understanding to everyone in your house for one week.
2. Plan and take one weekend or one day out of town with just your husband or close friend.
3. Change something about your appearance that you have wanted to for a while. Stay tuned for that one. I know exactly what I'm going to change.

This is going to be fun!

What A Difference A Day Makes

Today has been a good day. A dear friend of mine posted something about me and it touched me in ways that I can't even express. You can link from here. I am a white raspberry! Thank you Sam. I love you.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

So Much To Say

I couldn't sleep last night thinking about what I wanted to write about. Do I remember any of it? Of course not! I'm not sure even where to begin. I'll just start with what happened today. I went to a music conference. There were several classes that I went to about becoming a recording artist. During one of the classes we were told to list 5 priorities that we had in life right now. Not one of them included a music career. I love singing. I love having the opportunity to sing with a well known LDS recording artist, Jenny Phillips. I recently auditioned to be a soloist for Jenny and she said that my voice was AMAZING. Yes, she used all caps! It made me feel great. All day long I felt out of place though. I realized that I am so perfectly content being in her choir and sharing an amazing message through song. I don't want to put in the time that it would take to become a recording artist. And that's ok. I still would LOVE to record on Jenny's upcoming CDs and am excited to record a song next Friday for a competition. I'll let you know how it goes. For so long now I've wondered where my life is supposed to go. I received a strong answer to that today. For a long time now I have just had this overwhelming feeling that if I'm doing the things that the Lord wants me to be doing He will lead me down the right paths. I am so happy where I am musically right now. I couldn't ask for more. And if recording with Jenny leads to futher opportunities I will jump at them. I just know that it's something that I'm not supposed to pursue at this point in my life.

I have GOT to get my poop in a pile. My life seems so scattered and unorganized. I feel like my depression in in check so I wonder why I can't seem to keep it together. My house is a wreck and I just don't have the motivation to clean it. The heat doesn't help either. I discovered something today. I am afraid. I am afraid of failing as a wife, a mother, a home maker and at losing this weight that I so desperately want to get rid of forever. I don't want to fail AGAIN.

I had lost 50 pounds. My son got sick and had 3 major operations this last year. And guess what? I packed every single pound back on! I'm so ashamed. I recently had the amazing opportunity to go on tour with Jenny Phillips and some of the most amazing people on earth. I hate how I look in the pictures. How do I stay motivated this time to make it happen again. Should I post pictures every where reminding myself of how fat I've gotten AGAIN? What do I do? I'm so scared to start Weight Watchers again. Do you know how many times I've started over again in the last few months? Let's put it this way...a dear friend and I started the same time way back when. I've gained and she's lost over 35 pounds.

I know this is something I have to do for myself. No one else can do this for me. I truly think this is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. I'm going to do it this time. I'm going to use my blog to keep me motivated. I hope you will come along for the ride. I know it will get bumpy but knowing I have people following me will mean so much.

I'm sick of being a dissappointment. For my whole life I've felt like that. I've never been good enough. I'm still not to some people and I just have to deal with those feelings. Why am I not good enough for them? Why is it that everyone else around me tells me I am an amazing person but they can't see it? I know! It's perspective. They just see the bad. And they let the bad fester and it eats them alive. I don't know how anyone can truly be happy living like that. I am a good person. I make mistakes. I forget things. I am human. I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am. I want to have people tell me their sorry. I want to forgive. I NEED to forgive. I NEED to forgive myself. But I'm not sure how to do it. When you've grown up feeling like a failure...well it's a HARD thing to overcome.

Wow! This is not where I thought I'd go with this post. But I'm hurting tonight. I am in mourning for the losses and the gains, the heartaches I've had recently, the realization that I will never be enough for some people. I need to let them go. I need to surround myself with postitive, uplifting people. But what do you do when what you really want will probably never happen?

Obviously I am sad and lonely tonight. I just want to be loved for who I am. I want to know what that feels like. I tell my kids I love them several times a day. My daughter asks me "Mom, why do you always tell me you love me?" Because kiddo, I never want there to be any kind of doubt in your mind EVER.

It's so important to tell those that you've hurt that you are sorry. And I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone. There is a saying that says something like don't need to say that you are sorry. Your enemies don't care and your friends already know. I hate that saying. It's not true. And so I'm sorry. I'm sorry Tami for gaining the weight back. I'm sorry Tami for telling you horrible things about your body and your self worth. I won't do it again. You are amazing. You can do this! You do have friends and some family that adore you for who you are despite your flaws. It's ok that you forget things some times. It's ok that things are late and life goes on. It's ok. You have people who love you and can forgive you!