Bring Change 2 Mind

After I got ready this morning I had a feeling to turn on the TV. It just happened to be the View that I started watching. I normally don't watch the show but today I needed to see it. Glenn Close, the actress, was on the show with her sister. I guess she was on Good Mornin America too. It was a great message that she and her sister shared. She is starting a new awareness campaign. It's amazing. I wanted to post it so all could see it.

It's Been a LONG Time

Was it really in February that I last posted? Sorry. I'm just not sure if anyone still reads this blog.

What can I say? What a difference a few months makes! We've moved back to the Salt Lake area and I couldn't be happier. I saw a dear friend of mine from Tooele and she said that I was "glowing". She could tell I was happier. We joked around that one of the only reasons we moved to Tooele anyways was so we could meet. She says that I am her guaridan Angel but she is mine too! I hope she knows that.

I am doing a lot better with the depression. I still have my days (sometimes many days in a row!). It's a battle I will fight forever but that's ok. I have a great support system.

I have been down the last week or so. I realized that it's because I haven't been doing anything to renew my spirit. I just sit around and do nothing or it's the same old boring routine everyday. And I can't do that. I need to get crafting again. I just unpacked my craft room (well I should say it's 90%) unpacked. I have several thing I want to work on and need to start! I also need another good book to read. Anyone have any good suggestions?

I need some balance in my life. I find that I get very down when my house gets dirty. I look around and am overwhelmed with the mess. And then I just get more depressed. I tend to beat myself up a lot!

But this morning I had my husband give me a priesthood blessing. We are LDS and I know that the power of prayer and the priesthood can help. He mentioned that I need to be thankful for the things that I have, even the little things. And then I realized that I had forgotten to be thankful. That's a huge trigger for me. I need to remember to be thankful! And I need to fill my life with good things like good music, TV, books, etc.

Speaking of that. I LIVE for the fall TV lineup! I love to set my DVR and see if fill up! Seriously...it really does make me happy. So I guess we all need to find the things that make us happy even if it doesn't make sense to other people. I have a NEW favorite TV show! Has anyone seen "Glee" yet! Holy moly. That's one thing that brings a smile to my face!

So find things that make you happy! Do them! Find little things to be grateful for. I once got an email from someone VERY dear to my heart and they write down 5 things that they are grateful for each and every night. Sometimes it's easy for them and sometimes it's hard. That's keeping it real! So sometimes we will be grateful for the $20 bill that we found in a jacket pocket and then other times we will be grateful that we were able to just get out of bed. It's ok. Just find the good!

Doing Well!

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog. I just wanted to say, now that I've been on my meds for a while, that I'm doing really well! We've had a rough couple of months and my depression has been in check for the most part. I've had my bad days that's for sure but overall I'm on the right track.

I hate taking the meds though. I have a hard time really doing it because I can't get over the fact that I HAVE to take them. How do I get over that? I guess I just need to remember that I'd be a mess without them and I so don't want to go back to that point ever again!!

I'm still amazed at how depression can cloud your mind and make it very bitter. I'm embarrassed and sad that I became so anti everything. I keep thinking about the whole religion thing. I seriously can't even believe how bad things got with that. It's amazing that after getting on my feet and doing what's right how things change. I do keep thinking about how I doubted the Lord and His love for me. I'm so sorry for those that I've hurt along the way. But please know that I DO know that the Lord loves me and I know He hears my prayers. I didn't realize how wonderful religion is in my life. I'm a believer. I no longer doubt. And it feels amazing.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. It's been a rough road but I'm glad for the experiences I've had. I hope it makes me a better person. And I hope that I in turn can help others who are suffering right along with me! Much love!

Are you kidding me??

I got the bill from the ER this week. Umm...health care here in America is a JOKE!! I don't remember much from the ER at all so I asked Steve about some of the charges on the bill. I guess I had a headache and asked for some Tylenol. Want to know how much I was charged for 2 stinkin Tylenol??? $177.20. I'm so NOT kidding. Really? Do you know how much I could buy at Walmart for that price? I was also charged over $500 for an "extended stay" at the ER? Really? Really? I didn't know that there was a time limit for an ER visit. I can not believe how greedy our society has become. It's no wonder we have a health care crisis in America.

I haven't posted anything in a while. I'm doing well. I think the new meds are working now. I don't feel quite as depressed as I was before. I didn't go to work today though. I've quit my job and I can't wait until I don't have to go back. I enjoyed my time there but it's time for me to be at home. I can't get better if I stay there. I've decided that I don't need anymore toxic environments anymore in my life. I'm eliminating any stressers that I can. Obviously you can't remove all of life's stressers. Wouldn't that be great? Now I just have to learn some better coping skills. I'm still using my safety plan!

I had a tough session with my therapist this week. It was awesome though because I realized a lot of things. I've been needing help learning to trust myself and others. I've had a heck of a time opening up to my husband. You'd think that after almost 11 years of marriage I'd have it down but I'm JUST now beginning to do that. It's been really scary but wonderful for me at the same time. I'm so afraid of getting hurt. But I KNOW that I have a husband who loves me unconditionally. He loves me for who I am!! He doesn't try to change me. I'm wacky and crazy and don't like to follow the "trends". I am my own person and he loves that about me. Although I know there are things that drive him crazy!! Like my new "hobby/obsession"...Sudoku. Babe, you can blame UNI for that! I've always wanted to learn to play and someone taught me when I was in the hospital. Umm...ADD moment...back to the whole theapist thing. I love my therapist and I'm happy that after a year of "therapy" I'm just now beginning to get to the hard stuff.

Sometimes I feel badly about myself that I'm mentally ill (I guess you'd say that because I will never be off meds) and it's been really hard to come to grips with that. Everyone says "well a diabetic needs meds it's the same thing". I hear that but I don't feel it by any means. So here I am trying to come to grips with my illness. An illness that MANY, MANY people don't understand and judge. If you are one of those please stop right now! Realize that this is a serious thing and that there are many people who can't control depression with diet, exercise, scriptures, church, etc. I have been so very, very blessed with supportive people in my life. I really think I'd be much worse off without a good support system. Thank you to those that love me! I love you too!

Long Post - Worth the Read!!

This article was read to us at UNI during one of our groups. It happened to be my last group there. I asked for a copy of it. It helped me a lot. While I did NOT grow up in a dysfunctional home there were many parts of the article that struck me! I realized that I am addicted to sadness. I'm not sure why or how long that has been going on (since I was little I would guess). It totally made me think of me and my depression in a new light. It has to do with the holidays but it's filled with such good info I thought I'd share it now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It's pretty long but it's well worth the read. Love to you all! Tami

Some Greenery From the Holiday Blues by John Bradshaw

I was an active alcoholic for mor than 20 years, and during that time the holidays were always a terrible time for me. I felt very blue, and from Thanksgiving to the third of January I would be deeply depressed and drinking heavily. Later, in sobriety, I became fascinated by the phenomenon of the holiday blues, wondering why so many people are unusually depressed, suicidal, and acting out their addictions at a time when the idea is to be jolly and rejoice and celebrate the good news.
Some of the blues that people feel at this time are perfectly healthy. Blues have to do with loss and longing. And as each new holiday season dawns; some losses have to be grieved. The first is the loss of childhood itself, with all its magic, excitement and wonder. There's the longing for loved ones who won't be with us this year because of death or distance. And every piece of Christmas music played magnifies a feeling of loss. There is no escaping it and within normal bounds, no reason to.
Some blues, however, are neurotic. Some people are simply addicted to sadness, and they use it to cover up other feelings, such as joy. I have evidence in my clinical archives of a phenonmenon called the sad child script. It results from a child having been disappoinged over and over again, or from the shaming of a child's excitement and joy - so much so that the only way to stay happy is to stay sad. It's a paradoxical solution: "If I never have any expectations, she says to herself, then I'll never be disappointed."
Another type of neurotic-blues phenomenon can be the sad-feeling racket. A feeling racket is family authorized and replaces other feelings. For example, a little girl might notice that when she's happy she gets no attention but when she's sick or down in some way, she gets loads of attention from her family. She may conclude that the pouting that worked so well at home will pay off everywhere in life.
Dysfunctional families specialize in sad feeling addiction and sad-feeling rackets. In many disfunctional families there are deep layers of unresolved grief from childhood pain and trauma. These traumas are maintained into adulthood. Traumatic memories often cluster from what has been called governing scenes. Very often the most traumatic governing scene of the family happened around the holidays. So when the person hears Christmas music, smells the scent of the pine tree, those scenes are immediately evoked. The person goes back into the scene of pain and unresolved sadness. This is why dysfunctional families will reenact those scenes during the holidays - the fights and tantrums with all the screaming and shouting that no one ever wanted - even despite the best intentions. Thus once again the holidays end in sadness and pain.
If you identify with any of these situations, I recommend that you take a few steps. First, allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the magic of childhood, and make a decision to allow the child in you to be present during this holiday season and to enjoy every minute of it. Take some time to grieve the people you love who are no longer with you. And if your family is separated or divorced, let yourself have the sadness over not being together anymore.
If you come from a dysfunctional family, the most important thing you can do is to understand what's happening. You may need to make a decision that you're going to do some work on that unresolved grief so that you can finish the unfinished business. And to just get through the holidays, there's more you can do. You can let the people with sad-child rackets be sad. Don't spoil their day by trying to cheer them up. You might even tell them something awful if you know that's the sort of thing that would please them most. And if your family is into sad-feeling rackets, limit your time with them. Make plans to get out of the house, or if you're visiting from out of town, arrange to stay in a hotel.
Last Christmas a client of mine made a list of 171 criticisms her mother was likely to make during a holiday visit. When her mother walked in the dorr the first thing she said was "your Christmas balls have dust on them." My client burst out laughing. This was one fault she had not thought of. The point is to get involved outside yourself this Christmas and take it all less seriously.
We need to lighten up during the holidays, so find some laughs for yourself. Avoid a multigenerational accident, and make your choice for a joyous holiday.

Safety Plan

The greatest thing that I learned up at UNI (the hospital that I was in) was to have a safety plan. I had never heard of such a thing but now that I know what it is I believe EVERYONE should have one regardless if they suffer from cronic depression/anxiety or whatever! Everyone gets frustrated at times and a little down too. Here's how a safety plan works. On a piece of paper list your warning signs (these are signs that something might happen like a breakdown). Then list your coping skills (anything that you like to do that will relieve the stresses), then list your contacts (people that you can call if you are in crisis mode and your coping skills haven't worked to calm you down...911 should be on there too!!)

I told the Doctor that I was going to make my safety plan all scrapbooky (is that really a word?). He thought that was a great idea because then it became MINE! I've use my safey plan almost everyday. I've become better aware of my warning signs.

Here's a sampling of some things on my safety plan.

Warning sins: being irritable, WANTING to eat when I'm not hungry, wanting to be alone (ALL the time), not wanting to get out of bed, yelling, crying, etc...
Coping skills: take Charlie for a walk, read a book, play piano, sing, take a drive, color or paint, sew more aprons, scrapbook, organize, lay down in bed, etc...
Contacts: I have listed several, close family members and friends. I also have a crisis line on there and if all else fails 911.

Go and make yours!! You won't be sorry you did!